I cannot recall the origin of this recent anxiety, but it has intensified in line with the progress of the transit that reflects it. I do not believe that the planetary energies cause our feelings or circumstances, but that they are simply indicators of them. Therefore I have learned over the years to trust in the map that tells me that next Tuesday it will have faded away significantly. Psychologists will have something to say about this theory unless they are the enlightened Liz Greene type of psychologist. I expect I have murmurings in my unconscious – but what would I know about that? I do remember that my most troubling states are unfocused: arriving in the form of a nameless fear. Anything else – in material form – I can address, attempt to fix, act on, conquer.

I am so grateful for this map and the wherewithal to read it. When I was young and the troubling state occurred it would take me in a puddle to the doctor where I was without words.

I know there is nothing to fear. But that is kind of the point. I also know that Jean the Magnificent and all her discarnate friends, and all my discarnate friends are here in the room with me right now. They are consciousnesses. I am a consciousness also. But even if I shut my eyes and focus on the consciousness of my consciousness, I still believe I am equally a body. It is this investment in the physical which holds me back from what Esther calls the ‘receptive mode’. If I could snap into the receptive mode the fear would dissipate before next Tuesday. Then I’d have to throw the map out of the window.

I also know that fear/anxiety is simply the absence of light/love – to the degree that it is felt. It could be much worse. And I have an antidote: I go to the woods and I sit alone under the fresh new canopy of beech leaves. When I am there, J-M speaks to me in birds and butterflies or dappled light. Yesterday I became suddenly aware that she was sitting next to me. I had sat down a little to the right for some reason leaving an empty spot against the tree trunk. ‘Oh I get it!’ I thought, suddenly joining the dots. Then a pair of butterflies doing their close-together butterfly dance flew right into my line of vision as a token of confirmation.

On the way home in the car I turned on A-H for company and the talk was all about how to deal with the absence of a loved one after physical death with Esther giving examples about her experience with Jerry’s departure: three people in a row, all on the subject of how our dear departed do not go anywhere but you have to learn to ‘see’ them vibrationally where they are now. And that this is a great gift.

Well, it is certainly new for me. This year, since the beloved cat departed, I have been alone for the first time ever – if you count cats which I do. And it is indeed a challenge. So I expect this is the origin of my free-floating anxiety right there: “How to have a rewarding relationship with an invisible loved one.” And it has been eight years.

My tricky transit is Saturn conjunct Venus (relationships). And those two have also been connected as transits to each other recently which turns up the volume on a natal transit.

Four more days… three and a half.

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